This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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