Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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