were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
His hands were made for my vagina.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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