Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
