dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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