I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
