I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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