Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
