mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
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