I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
