I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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