From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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