i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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