I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
