I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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