her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
