it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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