He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize