"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
