1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
