yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
