why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
