Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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