If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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