someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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