i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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