She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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