I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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