Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
are you so shy because you have an std?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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