He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
