dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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