i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
