$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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