She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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