what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
