if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
