You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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