I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
