I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
