I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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