I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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