he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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