Got a toothbrush?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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