I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
