"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
