I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
