i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
