while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
