If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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