Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
