I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
