All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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