why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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