they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
