Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
