I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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