so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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