so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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