He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
